A year in the life...

Reflections on 2022

It has been a wild and challenging few years for all of us. As the year comes to a close I am reflecting and feeling grateful that I have remained healthy and thriving. Some milestones and gratitudes that are on my mind today:

  • My business Sub Rosa not only survived the pandemic, we were able to increase our profits by over 70%. We’ve invested most of this back into the business and building community.

  • I have done hundreds of session & coaching hours in 2022. I am grateful to my clients for being so creative and kinky and depraved. I love my clients.

  • I was Performances & Tastings Lead at Kinkfest 2022, we brought the FemDom to the con and gave many folks their first public play experience. I am Tastings Lead again in 2023, better get your tickets STAT because the conference sells out and it is worth it (I also plan to host a FemDom Social at KF this year).

  • I traveled to Alaska and stood on a boat in a fjord before a massive otherworldy blue glacier and watched parts of it calve off, while seals rolled on bobbing white icebergs. Big cracking sounds like shotguns echoed across the icy water and I felt so small and tiny and sometimes I need to feel this way.

  • I tried canyoneering for the first time with some dear friends and repelled off waterfalls into shimmering green rocky riverbeds in Washington.

  • I river beached a lot and learned to breathe better and deeper.

  • I donated thousands of dollars to mutual aid, direct to individuals, and to community organizations that do direct aid for food insecurity (See: Equitable Giving Circle). (Other ideas for where to donate HERE).

  • Natasha Strange and I presented 41 classes/workshops/events at Sub Rosa, mostly in-person, some taught by us and others that platformed educators both national and local. We brought back our monthly FemDom Bootcamp, which sells out every month and has really become one of our favorite events.
    (Note: Natasha has just launched a new online course that is eight weeks of empowerment, camaraderie, and BDSM education, learn more HERE.)

  • Maeve McBride and I hosted monthly 50 Shades of STFU femdom parties and brought back tastings to the event, more incredible performers, and donated some profit to various local and national organizations.

But the finale to my year was a game changer…

In November, I attended Alexandra Snow’s Wicked Retreat in Tulum, Mexico. My beloved business partner Natasha convinced me to go (for some silly reason I needed convincing). The event was a 7-day retreat in Tulum, outside of Cancun, one of the truly most beauitful places I’ve been. We had four gorgeous villas with swimming pools; 35+ dommes and SWers convened with some subbies attending us; the villa I was in had a literal cenote on it (what is a cenote?).

This event was a huge energy shift for me. I had been courting burnout and this trip refreshed me and inspired me in so many disparate ways. I was able to roundtable/skillshare and connect with some of the most powerful dommes, badass SWers, and boss dungeon owners you’ll find. I was able to rest and just let the trip lead me for once. I was able to do three photoshoots. Daddy AnLi and I competed in a depraved poolside Whipped Competition (think Chopped but kinky) and we won first place. I ziplined through the jungle at night, swam in underground caves, and adventured in some of the coolest environs I’ve seen. I was surrounded by inspiring people in my industry while sunning myself by bodies of water and that was exactly what I needed.

We are a collection of kickass entrepreneurs, business owners, survivors, activists, and community weavers. See some of the photos from our trip below. I am so grateful for this industry and the people in it. Happy New Year! I am looking forward to spanking you in 2023.

Your Mistress & Matchmaker

One of the things near and dear to my heart is creating community events and a big part of this is that I love helping kinky and/or queer people find each other. For me, being into BDSM, being queer, and a professional dominatrix to boot, I am well aware of how isolating dating and socializing can be. I know how hard it can be to meet like-minded folks.

Someone recently called me a community weaver. I really like that idea. I love networking and helping others figure it out. I love bringing people into kink spaces for their first experiences. I love introducing people to each other. Maybe I have a future as a Kinky Matchmaker!

When I first moved to Portland I struggled to find community, I was single and solo a lot of the time. But I went out and looked for my people. When I started hosting events the game changed: I could MAKE MY OWN COMMUNITY. Not only that but people were so filled with gratitude and excitement when I did so. They were looking for just the thing I created and they were hungry for it. When I launched 50 Shades of STFU, there were very few femme or femdom-centered public parties. Now, there is Cirque de Sade, Jiffy Kink, Soft Claw and Spanktuary - to name a few of the Sanctuary events (with femmes producing) as well as Nikki Lev’s Pandemonium at The Velvet Rope. I am so grateful for this shift and for the lush and ever-evolving community here.

As a pro-domme and event host, I am often asked how to meet folks or get involved in the scene here. The truth is: You just gotta do it. Nobody can do it for ya. You have to start somewhere.

The play partner, relationship, or kinky buddy of your dreams isn’t going to show up in your house demanding that you spank them or lick your toes just because you really want them to. They are probably out navigating the same spaces you should be navigating right now. They are just as anxious, socially awkward, and frustrated as you are. So dive in, babies. You got this.

But in case you’re still not sold, here is some of the best advice I know:

  • Go to events. Always read the full event listing (party rules & expectations) so you understand what you're getting into and show up in-the-know rather than clueless.

  • Join Fetlife. Fetlife can be offputting, but use it to find events and others you respect in the community, see what events they are going to, what groups they are part of. Follow your fetishes, join those groups, and interact.

  • Join Feeld. Feeld is a progressive and open-minded dating app for singles and couples and I like it best because it is queerer and kinkier than most. Stay tuned because I will be hosting some in-app group chats in Feeld prior to my next few events, so folks can connect and ask questions and network prior to going. But first, download the app and make a quick profile! Link: https://feeld.onelink.me/TRZt/viola

  • Go to a munch. What is a munch? (read this). I recommend the Close-In Munch in Portland.

  • Educate Yourself. Read books, read Fetlife posts, do your research. BDSM is pretty much a sub-culture, learn the lingo and educate yourselves on what you might expect. Attend classes at our space Sub Rosa. Attend my mini-charm school for submissives seeking dominants called Come Correct: How to Approach, Dazzle, and Serve Dominant Femmes.

  • Get coaching or see a pro-domme if you feel you need confidence in the space. Natasha and I both do coaching on all sides of the BDSM spectrum, as well as many others in town. Find someone who matches well with your desires and style.

  • Ask to support the event in some way: volunteer, bring something, find a job. This will make it easier and people will appreciate it.

  • Build your kinky house on solid ground. Check references, verify people, ask for advice, and listen to your gut. If people don’t trust someone you are seeing in the scene, do you know why?

  • Start slow, dial back your expectations. Go to an event, dress cute, and talk to two people, even if it is just to say hello or comment on the weather. Well done! That is a win.

  • Be patient. This is networking. It takes work. If you show up and keep showing up and you are contributing to the scene rather than vampiring off of it, it will pay off.

And…if none of this works, then maybe you need to book my time: your Mistress, the Matchmaker. Either way, you should book my time. So take action ASAP and let me know about your successes because it warms my heart.

It's September and that means BACK TO SCHOOL, we've got a good number of classes coming up and more always popping up. Join the Sub Rosa Newsletter and check the Events Page to register.

Juneteenth 2022

Dear white friends, subbies, and clients:

Maybe you have the day off today for the first nationally recognized Juneteenth paid holiday, maybe you didn’t...but either way, let's take some time today AND EVERY DAY to send money to Black people. Support Black-owned businesses, artists, performers, and content creators. I know a lot of folks like to donate to Black-led organizations, and I do that too, but I also think there is so much power in mutual aid and just simply sending money to individuals directly.

You already know that Black people forcibly built this country. Juneteenth is a celebration of the end of slavery and that emancipation for some enslaved people was delayed (the emancipation proclamation was signed Jan. 1st 1863 - but didn't come for many parts of the confederacy until June 19th, 1865). Slavery ended but has since been codified and legalized under the 13th amendment.

Juneteenth is a celebration for Black folks and a call to REFLECT AND ACT for white folks. We know that the systemic racism and oppression of Black people in the country is alive and well, and generational wealth and power are still in the hands of white people.

I've had more opportunities, income, access, and stability because I am white. I believe deeply in reparations and that this starts with us individually. If you do not have money to send, share and uplift the voices, content, and creations of Black people in your community. Our debt is overdue.

I've posted some ideas here of where to start. Please add more ideas in the comments friends, thank you:

Also, it is ON YOU wherever you work or whatever organization you are in, to push for more Black and BIPOC people in power at your workplaces - you likely have access to mostly white spaces, are you asking/pushing your colleagues at your worksplaces/orgs to donate, fundraise, hire, promote and platform Black folks? Do you point out when things are not inclusive in these spaces? Do you platform and give space to Black voices?

We need to do better, folk. This is not on Black people to fix or speak out about. It is on us. Start today. This debt is horribly OVERDUE in this country. Do it now.

If you reach out to me to show me that you’ve donated money for Juneteenth, at least $150 dollars, I will give you an extra half hour of session time for our next session. I value people who give, who donate, who engage in mutual aid.

So you wanna play with a pro?

Can you feel all this sprung sexual energy in the air? It’s hard not to get excited as vaccinations are rolling out and lockdown restrictions are beginning to release their grip. You’re tired of being house-bound and looking to get leather-bound. I have been hearing from you, emails are sprouting and blooming in my inbox like all the multicolored tulips in Portland. But I gotta tell ya, we are not gonna be back to the races without some renewed considerations.

You may have been out of the game for a while or you are just starting to get into it. You watched that Netflix show with a dominatrix and now you want a taste. You're seeking adventure and new experiences and the low-light seduction of a dungeon and the calculated skills of an experienced domme. Here’s my advice on how to best approach pro-dommes after this intense pandemic year:

submissive-collar-vaccination.jpg

State your Covid status/safety practices right off the bat

When people write to me without even acknowledging Covid it is a red flag. They want to spend time with me in an enclosed space and they should acknowledge this elephant in the room. If you are vaccinated let us know. If you are high risk or live with someone high risk I would want to know that also. Be prepared to share your safety practices and get a test prior to the meeting if needed.

Be polite, patient, and gracious

Chances are if you are approaching a domme right now for live sessions, they have had a really tough year. We had to shut down our in-person business almost entirely for nearly a year and shift our focus to online sessions and content, which has been exhausting in a way that is hard to fully convey. You’ve also had a tough year so you understand this. Approach people professionally and with gratitude and you will have success in booking their time and building a lasting connection.

Do your research

Read our websites fully, don’t ask questions that are clearly answered on the website. I can’t tell you how many folks I have just plain ignored because it is clear to me they haven’t taken the time to look over the basics on my site. We spend a lot of time writing out the process for visiting us, so look it over and follow our lead. You want to submit and be submissive, yes? The first step is doing as we say on our websites, demonstrating that you can comply with our wishes and value our time and energy. This goes a long way to getting our attention and moving toward meeting.

Be wary and watch out for catfishers!

For your own safety, be wary of dommes without websites or a strong verifiable internet presence. Over the last year, I get multiple emails WEEKLY with people pointing out profiles that have stolen my images and are using them to scam folks online. I will be writing an entire blog about this soon. Unfortunately, this is very common and there is very little I can do about it. The main thing I will say about this now is: if it seems too good to be true it likely is. Pro-dommes are not cold messaging clients like this. These scammers will show up in your inbox on dating and social sites and start asking if you want to lick their shoes and it is bullshit so please, do your research. Be sure you are not falling prey to one of these assholes making me look like I have bad grammar and a murky understanding of consent.

Don’t balk at our hourly rates

This is a quick way to be ignored entirely. If you don’t understand why hourly rates are so high for this specialized luxury service, consider for a moment the amount of time and energy we put into every session, the prep and clean-up, interviewing and negotiation, years of skills building, gear acquisition, building a play space with high-quality fetish equipment, and most importantly: risk (both legal and personal). Recognize that it takes a lot for a domme to stand before you in her leather boots, essentially caretaking your fantasies and desires. Don’t balk at her rates. If seeing a professional is cost-prohibitive, take the time to meet someone online on Fetlife that you can play with, network, go to munches and events. Some good advice on how to do that is covered here in a webinar that Natasha Strange and I created: Come Correct.

Make a good impression

The best way to make a good impression, beyond composing a respectful email, is to show up for sessions on time (not early, not late), clean and put together. Bring a gift, even something small. Her favorite tea (you noticed this on her Twitter feed - swoon), a bottle of bubbles, a handwritten card. This kind of attention endears us to you immediately. The more you treat this like the beginning of a connection, the more your domme will as well. We are so often treated like fetish dispensers. If you are looking for a longer dynamic, you should approach it as such. Make some effort. She most definitely has. This is power exchange but it is also energy exchange, provide value and energy and you will receive it in return.

Leave time before and after your session

Rushing to a session right after work or before another obligation is not a great idea. You are more likely to be late and unable to transition into the headspace needed. Take the day off or be sure you have time to relax before needing to code-switch. This kind of play can be intense, you should prepare to be sleepy and a little wobbly after. Think of seeing a dominatrix like therapy or a deep tissue massage, make space in your day for it. Your domme will provide some aftercare and check-ins, but you also have to take care of yourself and ensure you are not rushing.

Understand and prepare for sub drop

After a year of this intensity and the limits we’ve all had on physical touch, we need to be hyper-aware of the after-effects of a BDSM session. Both parties might be feeling sub drop and top drop more intensely than prior to all this. Check-in after session, that evening or the day after. Make a self-care plan in case you’ll need it. I ask all my submissives to send me an email after the session so that I know they are ok and also, for me! I want to hear them speak well of the session so that I don’t spiral out into top drop, ie: “Was that a good experience? Are they okay?“ For folks that I have seen frequently and for years, this kind of check-in is built into our dynamic. You also have to realize that for professional sessions, aftercare is limited by time constraints, so you do have to be prepared to do some of this yourself and reach out if you need more support. Your domme may or may not be able to provide that support depending on her own constraints.

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This blogpost is part of the
FemDom Society Bloghop!

We are a group of FemDoms and ThemDoms who write, led by my beautiful business partner Princessa Natasha Strange. Every few months we will have a group theme to inspire our blogs…


Help Decriminalize S$X Work in Oregon

HB3088 is a pending bill repealing crimes of prostitution, commercial sexual solicitation and promoting prostitution. We believe that those in our state who are directly impacted and endangered by the current status and definitions of "prostitution" have a right to speak directly to legislators and testify at a hearing. Regardless of personal viewpoints on s$x work, the judiciary committee represents the people and the people need to be given the opportunity to testify. The citizens of Oregon are asking the committee to break the pattern of systemic oppression towards those directly involved with s$x work. ​

This bill is currently sitting in the Oregon House Judiciary Committee with a deadline of March 19th, 2021 for the members to move it to a hearing. We are asking our legislators to take action by the deadline and not allow this bill to die in committee.

More info:

Link for HB3088.​
Recent Willamette Week Article on HB3088.
Video about why decriminalization is the way to go (TED talk by Juno Mac).

How you can help: 

  1. Sign and share our change.org petition. 

  2. Send an email to the members of the House Committee On Judiciary. Feel free to use the below template and add your personal connection and voice to the letter.

** It's important to email each member individually and not in a group email and use their last name, you can also remove my coded word for “s$x work” when you send, I am being careful due here on my site with language.**

***

Dear Representative ________,

I am writing today to strongly encourage you to take action in favor of a hearing for HB3088 before the March 19th deadline.

S$x workers are historically marginalized, regularly represented in culture as negatively portrayed stereotypes, and, most importantly, rarely if ever given opportunities to speak their own truths inside the legislative process on matters that they clearly have the most knowledge to share.

The s$x industry in many forms is alive and well in Oregon and there is an opportunity on many levels for you to learn, rather than ignore or avoid, what HB3088 is advocating by letting it proceed with a hearing. As a citizen of Oregon, I am asking you to break this pattern of systemic oppression and give those directly impacted by the current status of s$x work in the state opportunity to testify at a hearing.

Regardless of your personal viewpoints on s$x work, the judiciary committee represents the people and the people need to be given the opportunity to testify.

Thank you, 

Your Name Here

***

Emails for the Members of the House Committee on Judiciary

Chair:  Rep.JanelleBynum@oregonlegislature.gov

Vice-Chair:  Rep.RonNoble@oregonlegislature.gov 

Vice-Chair:  Rep.KarinPower@oregonlegislature.gov

Rep.MaxineDexter@oregonlegislature.gov

Rep.KenHelm@oregonlegislature.gov

Rep.JasonKropf@oregonlegislature.gov

Rep.RickLewis@oregonlegislature.gov

Rep.LilyMorgan@oregonlegislature.gov

Rep.KimWallan@oregonlegislature.gov

Rep.MartyWilde@oregonlegislature.gov

***

Thank you for taking the time to support and give additional voices to the long-overdue need to decriminalize s$x work in the state of Oregon and also the world

S$x work is real work and advocacy is an act of love.

Thanks to Beloved Coaching for this blogpost content.

​

How Do I Meet a Real Domme???

Me with one of my longtime submissives, recently collared.

Me with one of my longtime submissives, recently collared.

As a kink & FemDom event organizer, I get this question a lot. You want a lifestyle domme to own you, you want a 24/7 relationship, you want a female-led relationship, or perhaps you want a FemDom play partner for events or private play. You want it to be ‘REAL’.

Folded into this desire “to be real” is an implication that offends me, implying that professional domination isn’t real. My connections with my submissives are very real. However, they are contained in a safe space for both parties. A space where the value of my time and energy and my experience is being compensated and the boundaries (for both parties) are clear. This is not a ‘lifestyle’ relationship but it is a real relationship nonetheless. Many of my submissives have served me for many years, and the connection has evolved and deepened over time.

Professional domination offers a container for BDSM experiences, there isn’t much grey area. Relationships outside of professional appointments and scheduled sessions are full of grey areas. Often people need their experiences to be contained in these ways, to fit into their busy lives, and to more easily compartmentalize them.

Seeing a professional is a healthy option for pursuing new experiences safely and for learning who you are as a submissive or fetishist. Many of my submissives start with me — and through my coaching, input, and their personal evolution — they move on to find lifestyle relationships that incorporate kink. Sometimes they still come to see me and sometimes they move on.

All that said, I certainly understand the desire for more than a pro-domme relationship. And I have some helpful advice for how you can meet a domme or fellow kinkster or fetishist. Still, you’ll need to invest in this pursuit, it will not just fall in your lap because you want it badly.

If you are emailing me to ask me how to meet a domme, stop wasting my time and energy and asking me for free labor. Start by paying for this webinar that myself and Princessa Natasha Strange spent a lot of time putting together, it is only $25 - Come Correct: How to Approach, Serve, and Dazzle Dominant Femmes. I recommend new FemDoms watch it also for advice on how to better set boundaries. Once you’ve watched that, I hope you will be a lot more clear in what you are seeking the next time you email me.

Like any kind of dating, you need to learn to present yourself online honestly and authentically. You may or may not be surprised, but femmes with any kind of generally appealing presence online get hundreds of messages from folks demanding our attention. These approaches are often rude and half-assed. We cover examples in the webinar, both of bad approaches, and good ones.

You need to effectively present yourself and you need to show up. People will often come to my events and not meet anyone, and then give up. Do you believe you are entitled to attention and playtime just because you paid $20 to show up to an event? Just because you made the effort? You need to show up often, and this is true for online as well. Fetlife, online events, networking — all of this takes time, effort, and consistency. People start to see you, notice you, and trust you this way.

The FemDom you are pining after online, she likely has a lot of photos and writing about herself, videos and information and things that have drawn you to her. Her profile and those photos took time. She is presenting herself well. Are you? Do you have a profile picture? More than one? Do you write about yourself and express who you are? Or do you just jump into her inbox and tell her what you want to happen to you?

You need to bring more to the table other than your desires packaged as “service” or your need for attention. You need to be someone trustworthy and REAL.

I do coaching for submissives on how to better network in the kink world and build their online presence. If you want support on this, you need to compensate me for my time and energy. I have a lot of experience with this area of coaching. It is something I LOVE to do.

Princess Natasha Strange and I with my collared submissive at DomConLA.

Princess Natasha Strange and I with my collared submissive at DomConLA.

I will discuss with you your goals and desires. We will work on defining (and dialing back) your expectations. We will work on clearly representing you and your interests (even if you don’t show your face online). We will work on getting you comfortable with the process. Finding what you want is not only possible, but it is an opportunity for personal growth.

It may be that you start with coaching and sessions with me or another professional to better define your interests and submissive style, and then through this work, you can better approach others.

The most important thing is to approach this with patience. Please reach out via my Contact Page to start a conversation about coaching.

Come Correct Class Available Online

How to Approach, Dazzle, and Serve Dominant Femmes - Webinar now available

Natasha Strange and I recently uploaded the recorded version of this class here. I highly recommend it for submissives that are seeking a female dominant or approaching professional dommes. We did a lot of work preparing this information.

Honestly, anyone seeking to build a relationship with me personally would do well to complete this course. It is a good introduction to how to behave and set boundaries on both side of the D/s.

It is also a good way to get a better sense of who I am and what I value in a submissive - as I am very candid and playful in this course. A submissive who shows me they have completed this and thought about the lessons within it will go further with me. CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD.

Take a virtual tour of my playspace...

We recently had 3D photos taken of our playspace taken by 3D Real Estate Photos. I highly recommend this photographer if you’re looking for this kind of photography. It was super quick with amazing high-quality results.

Use the link to walk the space and explore my bondage equipment and gear, but remember, it is so much more gorgeous and special to be in the space with yours truly, the air heavily scented with my perfume, the lights down low, and your devotion laid at my feet.

I also rent the space to couples and those looking for a sexy kinky space to play. We will need to vet you somewhat but community rentals are $80/hr with a two hour minimum.

Matterport 3D Showcase

Listen to a Podcast where we talk DIRTY!

Mona Darling and I were recently interviewed by one of our favorite local podcasts, Strange Bedfellows - a sex, health, and politics podcast with Elle and Jen. Elle is a Sex Educator. Jen is a Private Investigator. They are also both sex workers. In this episode, we talk about lessons we have learned from pro-domination, kinky sex, how to talk dirty, and introduce our gorgeous new fetish space.

You may not know this about me, but I am a longtime indie radio junkie and I listen to podcasts ALL the time. I was honored and excited to be invited on the show. Give it a listen!