One of the things near and dear to my heart is creating community events and a big part of this is that I love helping kinky and/or queer people find each other. For me, being into BDSM, being queer, and a professional dominatrix to boot, I am well aware of how isolating dating and socializing can be. I know how hard it can be to meet like-minded folks.
Someone recently called me a community weaver. I really like that idea. I love networking and helping others figure it out. I love bringing people into kink spaces for their first experiences. I love introducing people to each other. Maybe I have a future as a Kinky Matchmaker!
When I first moved to Portland I struggled to find community, I was single and solo a lot of the time. But I went out and looked for my people. When I started hosting events the game changed: I could MAKE MY OWN COMMUNITY. Not only that but people were so filled with gratitude and excitement when I did so. They were looking for just the thing I created and they were hungry for it. When I launched 50 Shades of STFU, there were very few femme or femdom-centered public parties. Now, there is Cirque de Sade, Jiffy Kink, Soft Claw and Spanktuary - to name a few of the Sanctuary events (with femmes producing) as well as Nikki Lev’s Pandemonium at The Velvet Rope. I am so grateful for this shift and for the lush and ever-evolving community here.
As a pro-domme and event host, I am often asked how to meet folks or get involved in the scene here. The truth is: You just gotta do it. Nobody can do it for ya. You have to start somewhere.
The play partner, relationship, or kinky buddy of your dreams isn’t going to show up in your house demanding that you spank them or lick your toes just because you really want them to. They are probably out navigating the same spaces you should be navigating right now. They are just as anxious, socially awkward, and frustrated as you are. So dive in, babies. You got this.
But in case you’re still not sold, here is some of the best advice I know:
Go to events. Always read the full event listing (party rules & expectations) so you understand what you're getting into and show up in-the-know rather than clueless.
Join Fetlife. Fetlife can be offputting, but use it to find events and others you respect in the community, see what events they are going to, what groups they are part of. Follow your fetishes, join those groups, and interact.
Join Feeld. Feeld is a progressive and open-minded dating app for singles and couples and I like it best because it is queerer and kinkier than most. Stay tuned because I will be hosting some in-app group chats in Feeld prior to my next few events, so folks can connect and ask questions and network prior to going. But first, download the app and make a quick profile! Link: https://feeld.onelink.me/TRZt/viola
Go to a munch. What is a munch? (read this). I recommend the Close-In Munch in Portland.
Educate Yourself. Read books, read Fetlife posts, do your research. BDSM is pretty much a sub-culture, learn the lingo and educate yourselves on what you might expect. Attend classes at our space Sub Rosa. Attend my mini-charm school for submissives seeking dominants called Come Correct: How to Approach, Dazzle, and Serve Dominant Femmes.
Get coaching or see a pro-domme if you feel you need confidence in the space. Natasha and I both do coaching on all sides of the BDSM spectrum, as well as many others in town. Find someone who matches well with your desires and style.
Ask to support the event in some way: volunteer, bring something, find a job. This will make it easier and people will appreciate it.
Build your kinky house on solid ground. Check references, verify people, ask for advice, and listen to your gut. If people don’t trust someone you are seeing in the scene, do you know why?
Start slow, dial back your expectations. Go to an event, dress cute, and talk to two people, even if it is just to say hello or comment on the weather. Well done! That is a win.
Be patient. This is networking. It takes work. If you show up and keep showing up and you are contributing to the scene rather than vampiring off of it, it will pay off.
And…if none of this works, then maybe you need to book my time: your Mistress, the Matchmaker. Either way, you should book my time. So take action ASAP and let me know about your successes because it warms my heart.
It's September and that means BACK TO SCHOOL, we've got a good number of classes coming up and more always popping up. Join the Sub Rosa Newsletter and check the Events Page to register.